Pardon Me? Part two!

...And Fonzie skids into the chicken stand...



A brief recap...we are in a cheesy hotel in the middle of Texas and I am on the hunt for a feminine (ahem) item for Sylvia, who is watching the kids at the hotel while I go out...at about 10:50 P.M. In my memory it always gets a little darker, there's a little more lightning, and I am pretty sure there were eight or nine ninjas with orders to destroy at all cost. In reality it was a beautiful night and I figured it would be a quick trip, even without the best navigator I have ever driven with.



And then I started trying to get directions from the English impaired male front clerk. This is where you need to imagine me pantomiming and gesturing about driving to WalMart because; a) they are everywhere, and b) they are open 24 hours a day, right? I mention that the clerk was male so I can comment on another phenomenon I have observed. Let's say a woman is in need of an (ahem) item. All she needs to do is give the secret signal and the (ahem) item appears for her. I haven't caught the full signal but I have seen Sylvia disappear to the back of the house by someone merely saying her name with a special tone. The government is currently studying this. Godspeed gentlemen.



Well the clerk and I were able to work out a plan to get me to Wally World and I was off. I never said that I had a plan to get there AND back but I wasn't going to worry about that now. I'm off!



Onto the crazy freeway/roadway/thoroughfare that you could exit but had to fight like mad to get back on. To get to the discount shoppers' paradise I needed to go a couple miles, make a loop to go the other way, and then go the five miles back to the store. At this point I was signalling appropriately, had my arm out the window, and probably was listening to Willie Nelson give beer to his horses on the radio. It was a relatively quick trip and I was happy when I saw the glowing W off to the side of the road. I was feeling pretty smug as I drove into the parking lot and didn't even notice that it was almost completely empty. The lights were on, they never close...right?



Literally, as I drove up to the first parking spot by the door the lights turned off. Ghost town. Maintenance crew. Locked doors! The clock in the truck clicked over to 11:00 at that moment. (dirty word!) Really? So they close here in Texas? Who knew. I walked to the door not believing what was happening. I even peeked in the door to see if I could flag down a woman who would have pity on me. They were all very adept at avoiding eye contact with poor pitiful husbands. I was impressed.



What to do now? The desk clerk said something about another store that I could try if I didn't see Walmart. OK, I'll try there. Back on the road away from the hotel and like a moth to a light I was looking for any signs of civilization. I would take the all night store, the Quik-E-Mart, a gas station...anything would do. To the next exit...nothing. One more...nada. One more...I need to start thinking about going back and try the other side of the freeway because there were no signs of life here.



I managed to get turned around and I started to go back toward the hotel on surface streets in hopes of stumbling across a 24 hour gas station. ANYTHING! Then I see it. A gas station...with a store! (Are those angels singing?) Now you are not going to believe this but as I pulled into the gas station the lights went out. Too much. You aren't buying it. I don't blame you. If I was watching this on a movie I would be laughing my butt off...the problem was I was living it! The clock in the truck clicked to 11:30 (I had been at this a while) and now I am only beginning to realize I have a starring role in a nightmare. At the door I see a girl fussing around in the shop. YES!! Female!! Surely she will have mercy on me. Not thinking it through, however, I didn't foresee that a middle aged man, at 11:30 P.M., tapping on the window, and bent over to say, "TAMPAX" into the mail slot of a mini-mart might be a little disturbing to a teenage girl in Texas.



So she scoots away from where I can see her, and I decided that I should leave before the police come.



At this point I started to take stock of the situation. I am slowly going through the city under the freeway. I am on a mission for my wife. I am far away from the hotel. Places keep closing as I drive up to them. The San Antonio PD may very well have an A.P.B. out on me for my misguided stunt at the Gas-n-Sip window. And the sand is slowly running out of my sanity bag. I know! If I get into the truck and drive really really fast I can beat the next place to closing time.



Back onto the freeway, flying (but driving especially safely all of you new drivers out there). I was partially hoping I could get stopped by the police so I could have a valid excuse for failing or I could at least ask where I could find an all night store. No such luck and I am rapidly approaching our hotel's exit. I decided to get off one exit early to see if I could stumble onto a gas station. As I exited I saw a gas station with most of the lights on...good. It had another truck in the parking lot...better. The clock in the truck clicked to 12:00...CRAP!!



I am not proud to admit it but I skidded to a stop right outside the door, I jumped out of the truck, and I lunged into the store before they had a chance to lock it! So there I am panting, pumping my fist into the air, and, yes, maybe even giggling a little. I was in! And there were some of the toughest looking characters I have ever seen shooting the breeze with an equally tough looking clerk. But now they are looking at me and probably wondering if they are on a hidden camera show.



"Just glad you're open."

"24 hours. You need something?"

"Uh. I'll find it." Hadn't thought about that. It's not a big store. At this point I gave up the pretense of pretending I was buying something else..."Yeah, I'll take that 3 foot beef jerky, those magazines, a couple quarts of oil, how'd THAT (ahem) box get there? Yeah, I'll take it...the guys at the poker game will think it's funny. HA!"



Nope, not me. Walked to the shelf. Picked up the box that looked the most like the one on TV where women are riding horses, dancing, wearing white....and walked to the counter and slammed it down.



Then I thought...This has really been an ordeal. I would like to have a little something to perhaps calm me down a bit. I would like to purchase a beer. Now this is an occasion for me. Before my father-in-law passed away he brought a case of beer over for a party one time. He has been gone for a number of years. I still have some of it on the shelf. Not a big drinker, but I wanted one now. I wanted it more than I have ever wanted a beer before. Something for me. I turned around and walked to the refrigerators at the back of the store. When I grabbed the handle and pulled. Clung clung. Huh? Clung CLUNG CLUNG! What the heck? CLUNG CLUNG CLUNG CLUNG!!!



From the front counter..."Hey pardner. This here's a dry county. It's after midnight, they are locked until Monday."



SAN ANTONIO PRESS..."California Man Arrested for Beating the Snot Out of Refrigerator at Local 24 hour Gas Station"

Perhaps next time I will suggest, as we are packing to go on a trip, that Sylvia put a few (ahem) items in the suitcase. Just in case. Oh wait...I did that in Texas.

I Love You Honey!