Friday, January 24, 2014

My Resume ( A.K.A. Pay me to write stuff )

Jeff Garrett is a lover of words and the effect his writing has on his readers.  He has been writing short stories and journals for his family since his creative writing days in college and has only recently realized that he had been essentially writing a blog all along.  With this realization he started an actual blog at  This latest writing adventure is regularly enjoyed by approximately 2,500 people per month. He has written a satire blog and two travel blogs for short-term mission trips. 

 Jeff Garrett enjoys writing and is most comfortable making people laugh.  His self-deprecating humor along with seemingly endless and original connections between various objects or situations makes for entertaining reading.  Readers of Jeff¹s blog comment that random events and ordinary occurrences are transformed into an original humor that is happily unexpected.  While humor is his comfort zone, Jeff enjoys the ability to make his readers think, smile, reminisce, laugh, or even cry.  He has been a librarian for an elementary school in Newark California.  He has taught special education for eleven years, kindergarten for 6 years, and is currently teaching 2nd grade.  He has written several grant proposals that have been fully funded and single-handedly executed their implementations.  He has been published in the Tri-City Voice.
Jeff Garrett earned an associate’s Degree in Natural Sciences from Ohlone College in Fremont California, A Bachelor’s Degree in Liberal Studies from California State Hayward in Hayward California, and a Master’s Degree in Special Education from National University in Cupertino California. 

When not writing, Jeff can be found teaching in Newark, CA, working with youth at his church, or traveling by camper across this great land of ours.  He currently lives in his childhood home with his loving and understanding wife, two teenage children, and two chocolate labs.  He is suspiciously curious as to whether the TV networks have secretly placed cameras inside his home to gather Sitcom material for their fall lineups.  His latest material can be read in the blog titled, Do I Really Live in This Sitcom?

By Jeff Garrett

“It was a dark and stormy night…” will never be words written by me. (with the obvious exception of this resume)  I have decided that I want to take a giant leap of faith and put myself out there to be judged by a large group of people.  Never again will the phrase ‘send in your resume’ hold me back.  While writing in the confines of an assignment, I am very good.  While writing from deep within, I am even better.  When challenged, I am amazing.  I am also incredibly humble.”

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Happy Birthday Sister Oh Mine!

My sister's birthday is here.  She had a party and we weren't able to make it.  I decided to send a letter as a greeting.  She just gave me permission to include it in the blog.  Here it is:

Greetings Sister Oh-Mine!

(not to be confused with Sister O’Mine, the Irish nun from the convent down the road.)

(Really really not to be confused with Sister Ermine, the exotic dancer who insists on wearing fur during her act.  (Although, you do tend to pay for a ridiculous amount of things with dollar bills.)) 

But I digress…

Happy Birthday! 
I thought I would take this opportunity to wax poetic on the anniversary of your birth.  “Poetic” is, of course, what we named the van.  I’m not sure that waxing it will have an appreciable effect on the enjoyment of your day, but it is what it is. 

I cannot believe you have been cruising around the globe for a half a century!  (To those listening or reading…In case she hasn't revealed her true age to a significant amount of people…I failed math and ‘half a century’ is the term I use for 29 years.)  I do want to point out, though, that the A.A.R.P. Gestapo have been camped out on your lawn for about a month…armed with a sensible sweater, a dollar cup of coffee from McDonald’s, and a ginormous hourglass.  (I have no idea why the guy wearing the black robe keeps tapping the top of it with his scythe…I wouldn't worry about it.) 

Being your brother (your much, much younger brother…by the way) has had its ups and downs.  Most notably when you were learning how to drive and you plowed up one side of the traffic island, and bounced down the other side!  (Have no fear.  I think the statute of limitations on getting into trouble for that ran out about 32 years ago…which is odd since you are only 29. (Just go with it…I think we are fooling everyone!))

We are very sorry that we will not make it to the party tonight.  I thought about sending you this greeting in a telegram so that someone could read it aloud and it would count as being there.  A few problems:  First, Have you noticed how long this is STOP  I tend to be a little wordy STOP  I would hate to have to tell the kids that they cannot go to college since I decided to send a note to Aunt Susie STOP  Second, we do not live in a movie from the fifties STOP There was something to do with fifties though…I forget what it was STOP  And lastly, I am bringing the entire clan up to see you tomorrow STOP

Anyway, should you begin to feel sad about this particular milestone birthday STOP If you have any ideas about retaliation toward your brother STOP If you start to think that this was done with anything but love in mind STOP If, however, you are having the time of your life DON’T STOP!
Happy Birthday Sis,
I Love You,

P.S.  The van looks really great!  If that helps.