When a colleague asked me to write her a letter of recommendation it brought out a few interesting thoughts. First, why the heck would anyone want to stop working with me? I'm a delight! (Just kidding, I know that neighboring districts pay a lot more money than ours. What're ya gonna do.) The second thought was, who, other than my mommy, gives a baboon's butt about my opinion? And finally, and perhaps most importantly, if I write her an awesome recommendation, she may actually get the job! And then where would I be!? The other kindergarten teacher and I would need to train a new coworker. Woe is me. (Actually, Woe is us, but I'm not in the mood right now to coin new phrases so I'll just go with it.)
I know, I'll write a horrible review! I think I'll probably use her real name here, because it's funnier that way! Well, it's funnier to me. Here goes!
To Whom it may concern,
I would like to say that I have had the pleasure of working with Jay this year. I would like to. She is a brave young woman who almost never smells of alcohol and almost never gets angry when the students wake her from her numerous morning naps. Worry not, the students are always otherwise engaged while she is "resting" from the night before. She has an extensive library of movies that the kids have been trained to cycle through. Don't worry, she won't allow them to watch any movies rated NC-17 unless they sign a waiver. (well, scribble a crayon mark on a waiver...none of them can write anything yet.)
She has a lot of energy, especially when cornering and executing the various woodland creatures that wander across the playground. I wouldn't say that she's got homicidal tendencies...but I wouldn't not say it. Her students gain loads of life experience and real practical knowledge by helping her clean, dress, and barbecue these animals. She is very encouraging in these endeavors and always forgiving when they make mistakes. She helps them adapt to their new realities by handing out clever nicknames. "Lefty" is now completely comfortable handling the knives and "Smoky" knows exactly how much lighter fluid is just a bit too much.
Inclusion and acceptance is important in her classroom as well. The students are almost completely tolerant of her excessive flatulence and colorful tourettes-like outbursts.
Outdoor education is also an important part of her curriculum. She is averaging a nearly 80% successful return rate for students who go on field trips with her. And if you count the students who are carrying her container of cigarettes and romance novels, that percentage jumps to 90%!
In conclusion, I think it would be a great idea to let her "work" for you. You shouldn't let fact that her alleged connections to organized crime are a serious arson risk. You have insurance, right?
Jeff Garrett
