Sunday, February 19, 2012

Bernadette, Kim's Friend

I warned her this would happen.  I said, "Don't laugh.  It only encourages me."  Did she listen?  No.  She went ahead and did the unthinkable...she suggested reading my blog to her friends.  There's no stopping me now!  Bernadette, I hope you are happy!

My cousin Kim, at the apparent risk of increasing my cranial pressure to dangerous and skull expanding levels, (she didn't want my head to swell) sent me the posting from her friend's Facebook page.   It was very nice.  She shared the link to my blog on her own site and then wrote a little something about it saying that she could relate to what I had written about the DMV, and that everyone should go check it out for a laugh or two.  Do you have any idea what kind of pressure that puts me under?!  Now I have to try to be "stranger funny!"  I have been getting by being "family funny" and even "friend funny" for quite some time...I'm not sure I am ready for the big leagues.  In order to be funny for people who don't know me, I will have to pull out all the stops!  With my family I just have to do the literary equivalent of, " 'member, you 'member, huh! "  With friends (and people my mom pay to be nice to me) they have all seen me do my impromptu comedy bits, so it is relatively easy for them to imagine me telling off the doctor or begging for mercy at the hands of the slowest DMV worker in recorded history.  I don't have that luxury in total strangers.  I'm going to have to really step up my game if I don't want to embarrass poor Bernadette.  Her credibility is on the line and I cannot disappoint her at this stage in the game.

I don't know too much about her.  She has been friends with my cousin for a long time, they used to go to a school that required wearing uniforms, and (this is terribly important) she has excellent taste in reading material.  She took complimenting it to the next level and told her friends about my little corner of the internet and really put the screws to me.  I couldn't help but go back and look at what I had written after the one about the DMV.  It was about snoring.  Talk about a let down.  If I were to be just tuning in to a new blog and the subject was snoring...well, you can draw your own conclusions.  Let me just say that TLC does not have a new show lined up based entirely on snoring...although it may be coming soon considering what they have been cranking out lately.  Pretty soon it'll be ice truckers who transport short bigamist moonshiners with 30 plus kids that are trying to find out which wedding dress will fit into their overly cluttered house...while snoring.  I don't know about you but I am crossing my fingers!

I suppose I could just rest on my laurels (not sure what those are exactly but I suspect they are in the posterior region and that if you rest on them too long you need to soak in epsom salts) and continue to crank out the same sort of mediocrity that has garnered me a modest amount of fame in the Slovenian wilderness!  (I'm big in Slovenia!)  But no!  I will meet this new task with honor, hard work, and silly sounding words like kumquat, fahrvergnugen, and Abu Dhabi!  (coincidentally, those words are all banned in Slovenia)

In writing this I would like to point out that no one is safe and I could write a blog about any one of you.  I never know where I am going to end up, typing wise, when I sit at the computer.  I just start with an idea and run with it...actually, I let my fingers do the running.  I would like to say that I had an idea brewing for quite some time, I developed characters, and painstakingly wrote, edited, and rewrote over a period of weeks.  No, I pretty much use the million monkeys banging on a million keyboards approach to writing and that is how I end up writing about snoring.  I swear, today, it was either write about Bernadette and Kim or too much food at holiday dinners.  Only time, and the history books, will let me know if I made the right choice!

Another thing I wanted to do today was thank Miss Bernadette for the compliment of sharing my blog and suggesting it to her friends.  It wasn't that hard to do right?...I even put a "share" button on the left side of the blog.  If you are logged into Facebook and hit the "share" button you will be able to put my link on your site for a brief moment in time.  If you wanted to do this every time I wrote something new, that would be awesome.  If you have several friends on Facebook who are publishers and are looking to pay people millions of dollars to write silly little articles about going to the DMV, buying (or not buying) a timeshare, or even getting lost in the woods on a tortured bike ride, then I encourage you to post my link on your site every fifteen minutes until I tell you to stop.  If you happen to have George Lucas on your friend list, "This is the droid blog you are looking for."  If we don't all work together as a team then this blog will never be made into a movie, Kurt Russell will never play me, Bonnie Hunt will never play Sylvia, and Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Lopez will never play Kim or Bernadette.  Only you can make this happen!  And if your Facebook friend is the one who makes us move into the movie realm...then I will let you pick who you want to play your character on the big screen!  Just sayin'!

Now if you'll excuse me...I need to go get some ear grease so I can get my abnormally swollen head through our average sized door frames.


  1. I am just the lowly (and all time favorite) cousin of a mega super star blogger! Good stuff, Jeffrey (or is it Jefferey)? We are famous now Bernie! We made it to the blog! Am I JLo or DBerry?? =)

  2. I was thinking blond for you and brunette for Bernie but I'll let you two work that out!