You Mean People Get Paid For This?!

I have just discovered that people get paid for doing this sort of writing.  Yes, yes, I know...I am (was) the proud owner of a $2.00 off coupon directly related to my blog, but I tried sending that to my mortgage company and they sent me a letter...in a red envelope!  Apparently they are a little particular about the type of currency they will receive.  I wish they would have sent it back though, I'm pretty sure that my car insurance would have taken it.

So anyway, I happened to be straightening up a little and I came across a book my sister had given me for my birthday a while ago.  My birthday is in a little less than a week in case any of you would like to send me books, food, Cd's, Stock certificates, German bearer bonds, the gold that you were going to send in to that company from the TV commercials...whatever.  I would have offered to put my bank account number here so you could just deposit your "birthday wishes" directly but I just gave it out to a Nigerian Prince who has millions of dollars hidden and only needs to stash it in an American bank for a while.  I don't really want to jeopardize that transaction.  It will help me make up for my losses in the coupon market. 

But I digress...I realize that I say that so often I should get it tattooed on my arm but that is the wonder of my brain.  Picture a gymnasium with note cards all over the floor.  Throw in a ping pong ball and every time it hits a new card I need to comment about whatever is on it.  Makes for interesting day of explaining to Sylvia, "Umm, I'm on a new topic now."  Always keep it fresh I like to say!  And yes, I do realize that I just compared my brain to a large empty room...I'm good with that.

But I digress... Actually what got me started this morning was the book Sue gave me.  It is a signed copy of a Dave Barry book.  I can picture Sue talking to Mr. Barry and saying, "My brother is a funny guy and he wrote me letters in college that I thought were pretty good."  Well look where that encounter has landed me!  I have my very own blog!  They tried to explain that "just anyone" can start a blog.  Riiiiiiight!  Just anyone who has Dave Barry greasing the wheels to make all the red tape disappear.  I see how it is.  You, Mr. Barry, would like to remain behind the scenes in getting young writers started on their way to fame and fortune.  I understand.  Who needs the publicity!  I promise that when I become rich and famous, like you, I will carry on the tradition.

I'm not sure I can handle notoriety though.  I already have people walking up to me on the street and saying, "A thing for pygmies!  Good one."  Just the other day I got a technical drawing for a "plastic encrusted lead suppository."  After I put it back into the envelope (with salad tongs), and took a Silkwood shower, I wrote to this person explaining that I was just using that phrase as an example and that it wasn't an idea that needed to go to the patent office.  I was respectful, of course, I mean my mom is a little sensitive.  (just kidding Mom, see you at Thanksgiving)  With this kind of thing happening now I'm not sure I could handle what would happen if more than 25 people started reading my little corner of the internet.

I do know that Mr. Barry is one funny human.  (It says so on his book cover)  And I appreciate that some of my friends have said that my goofy prose is similar to his.  Really?  Thanks!  I'm not trying to copy anyone but I think he is funny, and people compare me to him, so ipso facto (which means 'it is a fat fact') I am funny.  Nice!  Now if I could only figure out how to get this into book form, like Mr. Barry, then I would be set!  I mean not everyone has time to sit at the computer to do something as silly as read my blog...but everyone has time to sit "somewhere else" for enough time to read an article in a book.  If you know what I mean...wink wink.  I don't want to be indelicate, but there is "a certain room" that people go "to sit a spell" and it "takes a little while" to "do their business."  I think I have figured out my target audience!  Perhaps I can get Charmin as a sponsor.

So anyway, I would like to thank Mr. Barry for not blocking my attempts at being a blogger.  I think I will send him a note telling him that I would like to meet him one day (although it's like I already know him...he signed my book).  But don't worry, I shan't be giving up my day job as a kindergarten teacher to pursue a career in writing.  Even though I could, I mean I just used the word "shan't" for crying out loud!  I have some talent don't you think?  I also do not have any plans to stock up the car with Depends and Gatorade to drive across the country and meet you.  I will never do that!....again.  At this time I would like to publicly apologize to Miss Bonnie Hunt... for no particular reason. 

That's all for now.  I hope you are enjoying that I have the week off and I can afford the time to write a little more often.  I will get the hint if people send me notes telling me to take care of myself and sleep in.  I would like to end by saying that I really do think Dave Barry is funny and if your paper does not have his articles (mine doesn't) you may want to check out his books.  You would enjoy them.  And finally, Mr. Barry, I would like to say that "a thing for pygmies" and "plastic encrusted lead suppositories" would both be excellent names for bands!  Just saying!