I apologize to my regular readers but I need to rate this entry "IMA"...for Immature Mature Audiences. The following is written in first person. But believe me when I say, "It ain't me!" (it's a little risque but I'm asking that you at least read to the last line of the next paragraph to know that I haven't completely lost my mind and there is a point) You can let me know if I have gone too far...or if you are the publisher of romance novels.
There was something about her that made lights go off. Buzzers sounded. She was blond, blue-eyed, I would guess that she was somewhere in her mid 40s. Perfect. I pulled her out of the line and over to the side. I said, "I need you." She didn't resist...she couldn't resist. What could she do? She knew the risks when she came here. I wondered if I should tell her that we could get a room. No, let's see if I can get away with it right here. After all, a hundred people or so isn't too many to be watching. I ran my fingers along her waistband, I slipped them inside, when I pulled her pants away and peeked inside she gasped but didn't say a word. I bent down and ran my hands along her thighs. She raised up on her toes. OK, I thought, I'll move on. I ran my hand between her breasts, I cupped them in my hands...my breath quickened at what I found. I said, "Please stop crying ma'am. I am a TSA agent and I am only doing my job. Now would you be so kind as to remove your prosthetic breast and show it to me?"WHAT!? Yes, you heard me right. I maybe took a little creative license with the details but a poor embarrassed woman was required to do just that. It wasn't even as if she could have told them that she would choose not to fly rather than suffer this humiliation. She is a flight attendant! She was just trying to get to work! I will not mention her name, nor will I mention the name of the woman who did the screening (mostly because it isn't in the article), and I apologize for resulting to cheap stunts to try to "catch" people searching for questionable material. You'll notice, however, that I used the word "thighs" when I could have said "milky white thighs"...oops, there I go again. Forgive me?
I feel I should say that I understand that there needs to be security for our planes. I would love it if it wasn't needed, but I know that it is. There are people who are willing to do awful things and would like to use planes to do them. I get it. But when I hear police officers saying that if they used this type of "pat down" on a suspect they would be arrested, and it is useless for finding contraband, I think there has to be a better way. Perhaps someone smarter than me, Jeff Garrett...kindergarten teacher, can think of something. We'll see, but I am not holding my breath...unless I am in the full body scanner trying to suck in my gut.
I do have a suggestion though for the airlines to make things safer. Nudity! If you want to fly leave your clothes at home! A comedian suggested this years ago...and it was wildly laughed at for being boldly outrageous! Now it seems to be the direction we're heading. Apparently the scanners that they are making people go through allow the screeners to "see" through clothes and show more curves than the average man or woman would care to admit existed. They sell stretchy clothes for a reason. We're told that the images aren't saved and there is no possibility of images being leaked onto the internet. Consequently, there are tens of thousands of these pictures that have been leaked and sites like, nakedscreeningpics.com are popping up like weeds all over the seedier side of the internet. (by the way...if anyone actually tries to go to this site that I made up, please please please do not tell me if it is real. I would like to think there is hope for our civilization.)
So there you go. Painters and printers would need to re-do all of the materials and signs. It's no longer United...It's U-Nude-d Airlines. Or how about Amer-I-can-see-you. Nude-West? There is a Japanese airline named All Nippon but I refuse to alter that one. I do have my limits! Ads would show Lady Godiva not on horseback but straddling a 747. Gym memberships would soar! They would all start advertising in June..."Going to see Grandma this Thanksgiving? You know the new rules on the airlines! Come in now and tone up to fly." The possibilities are endless! Talk about stimulating the economy!
Honestly, I will probably end up on some sort of no fly list due to my little piece of creative writing. That will undoubtedly prevent me from getting to the television studios in New York to do interviews about how crazy I am for poking fun at the hornet's nest that is the TSA (which should be re-named the T&A) but I think it was worth it. I want to say that I am sorry that this flight attendant was forced to go through this mortifying experience. I hope that after she settles in to her new house (purchased with the proceeds from her lawsuit) that she is able to move past this...and that there is enough left over to buy a really nice motor home, because, my suggestion would be that she, like me, not fly again until the lunatics are run out of the leadership of the T&A...minus their clothes!
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