OK, I am just kidding. I knew that yesterday was the day before Thanksgiving...no seriously...I got this. You know how the day after Thanksgiving is called Black Friday. That is because in accounting terms to be in the black means to have money, a positive cash flow...note to self, "remember to pick up red pens at the store. Lots of them!" Well ever since I was a kid we had something called, "Blue Wednesday" on the day before Thanksgiving. This was because in cleaning terms Windex is a very pleasant shade of blue. (Anybody work for Windex? We're almost out. I could use a coupon.)
Our house is lived in. We have a saying (We means, me and the mouse in my pocket)
If you came to see us, come on in. If you came to see the house, come back in three weeks.As I've mentioned before Sylvia and I are both pilers. It is a filing system based on strata. Much like an archaeological dig the strata system is my chosen method of locating important documents. As I look through a stack of paperwork looking for the vet bill I can be heard saying, "Did we take Fudge to the doc before or after we bought the tickets to the play?" You need a phenomenal memory and a powerful mind to pull off the strata system so, if you come over, please know that we are not disorganized...we're showing off!
Blue Wednesday is the day dedicated to putting stuff away. Believe me. I knew yesterday was not Thanksgiving. The kids were troopers. Toys got put away. Jake attacked the sliding glass door with the blue fluid and a roll of paper towels. Neither survived. The sliding glass door is the door that separates Fudge, the Brown Bomber, from the living room. Fudge either doesn't know that it is possible to stop when the door is closed or is trying to create an exact replica of a Jackson Pollock painting with mud, water, and wet nose. (I am almost 100% certain that Jack the Dripper's first "painting" was done by his Saint Bernard who had just rolled through a bunch of house paint left carelessly outside...but I digress) Kristiana has a system for her chosen job. She is exceptional at it. She would hate it if I mentioned what she was working on. I'll spare her...this time. Well maybe if I wrote in code. Let me just say that the athrooms-bay ook-lay antastic-fay! Ank-thay ou-yay istiana-Kay!
Sylvia and I have our own system...sitting with our feet up watching old Monk re-runs and snapping our fingers so the kids will keep bringing us those umbrella drinks. Sorry, slipped away there for a second. No, we decided that yesterday would be a good day to rearrange the furniture in the family room. I knew I shouldn't have started cleaning early so we had extra time yesterday! But seriously, it needed to be done. This is the room where the kids are taught. This is the first place people see when they walk into our house. This is where I write my blogs. This is the place the kids think is named, "AWAY!"
Let me explain. "Jake, put this away." Into this room as far as you can walk...put it down. "Kristiana, put those away." Into this room, a little less than Jake was able to go...put it down. They don't even know they're doing it. I think the gravity in this room is a little heavier than anywhere else in the house. It is just too much for their developing muscles to fight. Picture this. Yesterday, smack dab in the middle of Blue Wednesday, I handed Jake three items that belong in his room and then turned around. I turned back to Jake, who had not left the spot where he was standing, was still there...but his hands were empty!
"Jake, did you get super powers?"
"Huh?"
"Well I didn't see you leave and come back. Are you that fast?"
"What?"
"Can you teleport objects now?"
"Dad!"
"I just handed you three things to put away, you didn't leave, your hands are empty...can you explain?"
"You did?"
"8...9...10...Yes, in fact those three things that made it almost 8 inches closer to your room before you set them down. Can we shoot for all the way now. Please."
"These three things?"
**SNAP SNAP** "I NEED AN UMBRELLA DRINK IN HERE! STAT!"
I may get a plaque made..."This Room Is Not Away!" Wish me luck.
So, we made it. I feel that we are ready for anybody but Martha Stewart to come in. (and if she shows, and says anything, I'm kicking her bottom all the way to Black and blue Friday. We are done, let's watch the parade!
I have just realized that I came all the way to the end and didn't say anything that I was thankful for. I didn't realize that I would have time to write today so I kind of covered it all yesterday. I can't let it go though. Give me a second, I'll come up with some thanks.
OK, I got it. I am thankful that our cars have special glass that is clear for me to look through but impossible to see in. (no seriously...I was just scratching my nose!) I am thankful that women always show Sylvia their brand new babies because my sense of humor sometimes kicks in and is inappropriate. (Wow! Didn't I see him in Lord of the Rings?) I am thankful that I have not been kidnapped by aliens, subjected to invasive tests, implanted with a probe that keeps track of me and makes me do random things at odd times of the day. (as far as I know...beep boop beep beep) I am thankful that there have only been two Charlie's Angels movies and No sequel to the Dukes of Hazzard. (less thankful that they were made in the first place) I am thankful that cows do not fly. (for obvious reasons) I am thankful that I live in the time of computers and language. (If I tried to do this in front of a group of people around a campfire, in the oral tradition, I would be regularly pelted with wooly mammoth femurs)
But mostly I am thankful for all of my family, my friends, my passing acquaintances, and my readers...both of you...without whom I would just be like a sad middle-aged Doogie Howser putting down random thoughts for no one to ever see. Happy Thanksgiving!
No comments:
Post a Comment