Memories! Like the Punchlines of My Mind

As I screech rapidly into my forty fifth birthday...today...(wait a minute, let me see, I was born in...carry the two...divide by the square root of pi...yeah forty five) I am starting to become nostalgic for times gone by.  There have been so many instances in my life that have shaped me into the man I am today.  For better or for worse, the good, the bad, the ugly, life changing things that molded me.  I am forever grateful.

Now, don't go thinking that I have become philosophical or anything...I am talking about jokes that I heard in junior high!  Those were the days!  As a young adolescent I was miserable.  The first class on the first day of junior high, the teacher said,

"You!  There in the front.  What's your name?"
"Umm, Jeff Garrett."
"Class, Garrett here cussed me out.  Called me names.  Even used the "F" word.  I'm sending him to the office to see the principal and have him suspended.  Garrett, what are you going to do?"
"Umm, (apparently I said Umm a lot back then) tell them I didn't do it."  The story would be better with my voice cracking but that fun time in my life didn't happen until well into high school.  We return to the flashback already in progress...
"Yeah!  But I say you did it!  Who are they going to believe?"
"Umm, you."
"Damn Right!  Welcome to junior high!"

Welcome to junior high my ass!  I want to be home schooled!  That was the first and possibly my best moment involving teachers...I said I didn't enjoy it.  Not sure where you are Mr. B. but I hope they have almost removed the tack that someone undoubtedly placed on your chair for being mean to supposedly prove a point....breathe Jeff...Don't want to get mad, turn green, and ruin another shirt.  Surprisingly the pants always manage to stay on.  Weird...but I digress.

So junior high was my least favorite time, until I started hanging out with all the funny guys at school.  There we were all sitting in the same spot between classes and at lunch.  We never left.  Where would we go?  We weren't jocks, we weren't interested in finding out what really happened at the alley, we (sorry to lump all you guys in) weren't smooth with the ladies.  What was there to do?  Tell jokes.  All day, every day.  We were just on the coolish side of nerd (I definitely pulled the average down for the group) but we were not picked on too much.  The reason?  We could collectively make people laugh!  It was a great defense mechanism.  If I was a little less shy I could see becoming a stand up comic...isn't that the prerequisite for that job?  Uncomfortable childhood?  Able to keep most bullies away with humor.  Oh yeah Mr. B. I hope the person removing the tack is Chuck R. straight from his prison release work furlough program.  But I'm not bitter...

Anyway, in thinking about these times I figured it would be a good time to talk about the jokes we told back then.  I am blessed with an awesome memory regarding jokes...problem is, there are maybe two that I can share in decent company without significantly altering everything that makes them funny.  I cannot even begin to tell you how many times Sylvia has said something that has made me say, "That reminds me of a joke!...but I can't tell it to you...sorry."  It got so bad there for a while that when I got that stupid silly grin on my face, Sylvia would just say, "Junior high joke?"  "yeah."  "Nevermind." 

But some of these are really funny!  I hate to ignore a large part of my comedic timing and material...I need to at least pay homage to some of the best.  I think what I will have to do is to eliminate the set up and go straight to the punch line.  I am guessing that some of you will recognize the joke and be reminded of a simpler, funnier time...cruder, yes, but funnier.

Ok, Here goes:  Unconnected punchlines.

Why do you ask dog peeing on bush? 
I didn't.  I didn't.
There's a gnat on the ceiling!
What's all this quack quack nonsense?!
But that is how I get ketchup out of the bottle!
Twenty bucks, same as in town.
Shoulders?
How do you think I rang the doorbell?
It started out as a wart on my butt.
He should have quit when he was a head.
Frayed knot!
Mind if I smoke?
If you find your flashlight, help me find my keys and we can drive out of here!
I don't know his name...but his face sure rings a bell!
...and one of my favorites...
some people just can't tell a joke!

Hope you enjoyed these!  I SAY, HOPE YOU ALL ENJOYED THESE!  (that was large-print joke for the people who are having birthdays today and having a little trouble seeing things...now where did I put my reading glasses?)