Hocus Cadabra! Abra Pocus!

I have recently discovered a new skill.  I am a magician!  I know what you are saying, "Jeff!  How is that fair that people are lucky to have 3 or 4 talents and yours seem to be innumerable!  What can I say, I am truly blessed.  And, as I've said before, humility is but one of my many, many wonderful character traits. 

Seriously, I consider myself lucky to stumble my way through two or three talents in a semi-passable fashion.  (Don't tell anybody)  But this new trick is nothing short of amazing!  The best part is, I just stumbled onto this special talent!  And it's a good one too...it's not like people who spend a lot of time trying to learn the first 30 seconds of a song on the piano or guitar so they can play a little and when people say, "Oh you play guitar and/or the piano?" they say, "A little but I don't want to play right now."  (Did I mention that I know how to play the first 30 seconds of Stairway to Heaven on the guitar?)  Back to the new astounding trick! 

In truth, it's more likely that I have a magic truck and I have no magical ability whatsoever.  I don't really want to find out.  I can't see myself driving around in a truck named Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.  I have suspected for some time that there were forces beyond my comprehension at work in the vicinity of my house but, through thorough testing and research, I have discovered the true nature of this wonder of wonders!  Are you ready to hear it yet.  Perhaps you should sit down.  I can make my entire house disappear by parking my truck in front of it!  Before you start to question whether or not I hung up my glue sticks and safety scissors in kindergarten to explore the wonderful and lucrative profession of big rig truck driving.  I will tell you, I have not.  (although when the kids just won't settle down I sometimes daydream about a company who would take me away from all of this with the male equivalent of Calgon...1-800-Truckmasters!)  No!  I drive a very dependable, very average sized, standard issue Chevy Pick up.  It's great.  It's white.  It's named Thunder (but that is a blog for another day) AND most importantly, it can make the whole house disappear like it was being tented for termites with Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. 

I began to suspect this fact some time ago but tonight at dinner I have decided that it is true.  You see, we have a tradition in the family where we sit at the dinner table (fighting over the food like we are ill-mannered lumberjacks...not really) and I read the section of the paper that has celebrity birthdays.  I say the name of the celebrity and everyone guesses how old they are.  If Sylvia and I know who the person is, the kids guess in the 70's and if we have no idea who it is, we guess in the 20's.  It's a fun little routine and the winner wins the ever important bragging rights, until the next name is called.  (extra points are given if someone correctly guesses the emotional age..."Lady Gaga"  "Ooh!  I think she is 27 but she acts like she's 3 and a half!"  Bonus!)  Well tonight we went to get the paper and it wasn't where it should have been.  Check outside, just in case, nothing.  Did someone recycle it on accident?  Not likely!  Conclusion?  We didn't get one today. 

Wait a minute!  Where did I park the truck last night?  Right in front of the front door!  That's It!  Eureka!  I have proof.  Whenever I park my truck in front of the door we get no paper.  Time and time again.  Now for more proof let me tell you, we live on the corner and when I park away from the front door we get a paper.  It astounds me that such a mild mannered truck can have such an affect on the paper deliverer (it's not a paper boy anymore and hasn't been for a long long time)  I have tried to figure out why this might be happening.  When my dad parks his slightly larger truck in the same place... paper.  When we park the van there... paper.  If the neighbor whose sole purpose in life is to park in the shade of other people's houses, parks his car there...paper!  The only time we get skunked is when I park my truck there.  Every time!  Can you imagine how foolish I sound when I call to get a replacement paper and try to explain to the dispatcher, "Uh, yes.  I would need a paper to be delivered."
"I see Mr. Garrett.  Was it wet?"
"No, I dry them out when they are wet.  They are wet a lot."
"Was it damaged?"
"No, I don't call when it lands in the bushes and gets torn.  I have to get it from the bushes a lot, too."
"Well what was the problem?"
"You see, I forgot, and parked my truck by the front door and it made the house disappear."
"Uh huh.  I see.  Well I need to go now.  Say hi to the Easter bunny for me."  Click.

It's not like the deliverer is a perfectionist and the truck interferes with his aim.  He throws about as accurately as a weatherman guesses the weather.  (I want that job by the way...don't have to be right...on TV...loads of money...sign me up)  I would be happy even if it landed in the bed of the truck.  I dare to dream! 

So here I sit, paperless.  We had to go all through dinner not knowing how old Kevin Costner, Kanye West, or Fabio are.  It just wasn't the same.  I was so out of sorts, I was only able to go back for thirds.  (did I mention that I was able to eat just about anything again?)

I am going to apply for a federal grant to discover just how a simple truck can make an entire house disappear.  It should only take a few billion dollars...or so.  You don't mind paying for that right?  When I am done with that study I am going to find out why, once a year, near Christmas, the paper is lovingly placed in the center of the welcome mat with an envelope addressed to the carrier on it....But I think I can figure out the answer to that one fairly quickly on my own.