Question Me This...

If you have read any of my previous posts you'll know that I tease...a lot! Unless of course you read the one that was a heart-wrenching story about a boy who needs to finally face the demons in his life and comes out the other side a better person and, yes, a bit wiser. Actually, there aren't any heart-wrenching blogs...I was teasing! Seeing the pattern yet?

Well it is completely obvious to me that there is a large group of people who will never see the pattern, a few who know it's there but still walk into it occasionally like a just-cleaned patio door, and still more who shall not be teased, ever, for any reason, thank you very much just the same. I love the first group. I love the challenge of the second. And the third group might as well hang a blinking sign around their necks with an audio message that loops, "Jeff! Mess with this guy!" I do love a challenge.

One of the quickest ways to mess with people is to ask questions that have little or no basis in reality. I got my wife (she has her own sort of tease group category reserved for people who I allow to "smack me" when they've been gotcha'd - for the right price I would be willing to teach a publisher the secret initiation handshake into this group)...anyway...Sylvia moved into the gotten category the other night when I ordered a pizza for dinner. It was about 6 (I don't need to say P.M. right?) and I ordered online from Father Jonathon's. I came into the kitchen where Sylvia was talking to a friend who was visiting. I was looking down at the printout of the order in my hand so Sylvia asked the obvious question, "When will it be ready?"

This is it...my moment to shine...Sylvia, distracted by the conversation, lobbed an easy ball over the net. My answer to her, "What time is twenty one hundred hours?" She says, "2100? 21 minus 12 equals 9. NINE!!?! Are you serious?! We can't wait until nine!" Then she spied my smile. "No. I was just curious about military time. I need to leave now to get the pizza." (and to avoid getting smacked by Sylvia)

That is an easy way to catch people off guard. If you ask a question people want to answer. A lot of times they won't think about why the question was asked and they will just start on in with the answer. It also helps that most people don't walk around wary that they are about to walk into the trap of a chronologically grown man who admittedly cracks himself up!

In the interest of being a quasi-self-help book I thought I might include some possible questions that you can annoy, I mean amuse, your friends with. I am trying to diversify since I checked and there is no "Goofy Ramblings" section in the bookstore. There is, however, a self-help section so here goes...

Opening the mail: Honey your tests results are here...What does communicable mean?

Looking at a report card: Does "F" mean fantastic?

While holding your wife's favorite clothes: Did you tell the kids they could tie dye?

On April 23rd: When was I supposed to mail the taxes?

While running from a dinosaur: Probably shouldn't have smeared ourselves with barbecue sauce.

Now if you said to yourself, "Hey! That last one wasn't a question!" Tell me this...running from a dinosaur... and you are worried about it being a statement? Did I getcha?

OK, I need to finish writing my report cards and then I need to think about comments to talk about each student...how do you spell sociopath?