He's After My Insurance Money!

I mentioned yesterday that I was not a sports enthusiast. Today, I will deal with a much more serious subject...my kid plotting my untimely demise. I'm not sure who clued him in that I had a modest life insurance policy but he seems to be up to something. I mean, why else would he try to get me to ride his new Ripstick?

In case you, like me, have no or very little idea about what a Ripstick is, let me explain. Picture a greased Popsicle stick on edge balancing on a high wire suspended over a yawning chasm and add a few linebackers who are trying to push you off for good measure...blindfolded! Actually, that is not the real description but I thought I needed to put in something really ridiculous to soften the blow. I should warn you...the real description isn't much better.

In the Ripstick we have a skateboard that has been cut in thirds. Throw away the middle third. Shave the two ends down to the shape of smallish footballs. Connect the two footballs end to end with a medium sized piece of pipe. Oh yeah, don't secure the pieces to the pipe...it should let the footballs swivel back and forth. Then, the original two wheels on each end? Let's take one off each side and place the single wheels in the middle. And those wheels...make 'em wobble! Then charge a hefty sum for the pleasure of owning this. You get the idea? The people who designed this must have been into the liquor cabinet a little early this last Thanksgiving.

This is what Jake wanted for his birthday and, against my better judgement, we got one for him. With this piece of engineering hilarity I figured the learning curve would be fairly high. A few timid trials and errors in front of the house before he came in and did the Ripstick for the Wii...version 2.0. Jake, of course, picked it up like he was born to have a wobbly caster under each foot. He took off and kind of wiggle-shimmied around the block, up the curb, down the street, and then spun around to do it again. When he came back he stopped in front of me and said, (are you sitting down?) "Do you want to try it?" At that moment I felt like the father in the parable of the prodigal son...Jake is after his inheritance! I explained, politely, that I thought it would be a better idea if he were the one to ride it and I would be the one to stand in amazement at abilities that would never be available to me.

Do you want to try it? Are you serious?! I was the guy who owned a skateboard but could do little more than stand on it...on a flat surface...in complete pads and helmets...with a person holding each hand. (OK I would have been crying a little too but I wanted to retain some of my dignity) If you ever see me within a three block radius of a skateboard, and it looks like I may try to ride it...grab your video camera and get ready to be ten thousand dollars richer from that funny video show. I only ask that you take Sylvia a meal and send me a nice card in the hospital.

Jake on the other hand has been all over the neighborhood on this contraption and is going to be even more unbelievably athletic in the process. I mean seriously, do you need to go below 3 percent body fat to show up your old man? I don't set the bar really high you know! And could you pass me the onion dip?

Well obviously no one is trying to bump me off. I am really taking his offer to ride it as a huge compliment. Jake is still thinking that I am just athletic enough to try it, and who knows, I may try to stand up on it one of these days...I mean we really do live around the corner from the paramedics!