Mistaken Identity

I am not sure who said it first but reality TV is educational...it always makes me feel smarter. By simply not ramming my car into a ditch while trying to evade the police I am ahead of the curve. By choosing to cooperate with nice policeman (who have pepper spray, tazers, and guns) I have jumped to the head of the class. By making sure I don't take the 13 foot truck under the 11 foot overpass I have earned myself a virtual Masters degree. There is always a lesson to be learned. The lesson I learned today was, admittedly, a bit shocking.

Seriously though, I have occasionally learned something from this show. I learned that a "blue warrant" means a warrant for your arrest because you are violating parole. Were it not for this show I (hopefully) never would have known this. The show I am talking about is called The World's Dumbest Drivers. In case you have never seen this show let me give you the Reader's Digest version of the show. People armed with video cameras send in clips of others with extraordinarily bad judgement. Picture America's Funniest Home Videos with injuries and arrests.

Another feature, different from AFV, is there are celebrities that add colorful commentary on the unfortunate doofuses' (is it doofuses or doofi?) escapades. These celebrities typically have something in common. The celebrities they choose are known for making unbelievably bad choices of their own. A couple of the celebrities are Todd Bridges and Danny Bonnaduce. Both have had difficulties with certain substances, euphemistically speaking. The show also has figure skater Tanya Harding who is known for having an opponent whacked over the knee with a crowbar. They all have fallen from grace and none of them have ever really recovered in terms of status. In fact they all seem to have come to grips with their shortcomings and even poke fun at themselves to add to the humor. It isn't terribly thought provoking but it is entertaining. Following the last day of a long and loud school year I was thankful for a couple episodes of bubble gum for the mind.

It was while watching this show that I learned something that shook me to the core. Sadly, I have come to realize that Sylvia did not know exactly who I was. What happened? You may ask. No, I mean go ahead...I give you permission...ask. I'll wait.

Well tonight as I was watching the show Sylvia was working on something for school in the kitchen. As the celebrity commentators came on Sylvia would guess at who they were. She pulled Tanya Harding out of the air...score one. She knew who Todd Bridges was...one and a half. Danny Bonnaduce...two points.
"Who's that?"
"That's Leif Garrett."

Here it comes. Prepare yourself..."I used to have a huge crush on him! I was going to marry him."

So I started thinking...Leif Garrett...interesting...my last name is Garrett...(I always think with the three dots between thoughts)...wait, my first name is close to Leif...it's only two letters different...L E I F - J E F F...HOLY COW!!! Sylvia thought I was famous! Uh oh. I had no idea! I mean, she has seen my driver's license and passport! It may have been poor judgement on my part to alter the spelling on both of them but she has heard me sing!

And there it is. It's out there. I am but a poor similarly named substitute for her famous teenage crush. Honestly, Leif and I are probably related. You know what they say about Kentucky, 8 million people...five last names.

Well all I can do now is try and live up to the person she thought she was marrying...minus the trek into drugs...and minus being on TV making fun of people who are being seriously injured for not putting on the parking brake and being run over by their own car. There was another show later on, where some poor dumb guy's wife screamed "get the spider!" He hit a spider to kill it...it worked (arachnidae deceasidae)...problem was the spider was on the bed and his wife was in the bed. When this dingbat whacked the spider, he also whacked his wife! What a dork!

Now make no mistake. I do not think I am better than these poor unfortunate people who seem to make one bad decision after another...they just happen to have friends with cameras. And the show about the spider was more like a personal anecdote. It really happened...to me (and Sylvia)...tonight.