So here I sit, humbly, my head in my hands, sorrowful look on my face, wearing the tuxedo that I always wear when I write my blog (and not, as some people have questioned, in my underwear), and I have a heavy heart. It seems that I tricked a few of you into thinking that I was really going to be on TV for writing my blog. I actually may be on TV one day but it would probably just be my driver's license photo and they would be talking to people who say, "He was such a quiet neighbor. Kept to himself mostly. Took him forever to take down his Christmas lights." If you have no idea what I am talking about, and didn't read yesterday's blog, I suggest you stop reading this and go here for a minute. Really, it would help explain. But I digress...
Back to my apology. Am I sorry? Well sorry is such a complicated word. It's overused really. I have my kindergarteners say it about three hundred times a day. Do they mean it? Probably not, mostly. (isn't my 'sentence' structure amazing!) Then there's Tom Cruise and his wife. If I had an internet connection right now I would look up who his wife is...but I don't...so I can't. Even though I am completely interested in all things Tom Cruise. Alas, for the lack of an internet connection. Well back to writing my WWWEB LOG. As I was saying about the word sorry. It seems to me that Tom has a kid named Sorry. I can only imagine that his very famous wife, who I just can't seem to remember now, might have named him (or her) Sorry to make up for having a dad with somewhat odd behavior. This just handed to me by my crack, imaginary, research staff. It seems that Tom Cruise and his, I'm sure, lovely wife have named their child Suri not Sorry! That clears up a lot about Suri. I would like to wish him (or her) the best of luck and if I have offended any of the family Cruise I would like to say, from the bottom of my heart, "I am Suri...I mean Sorry." (What do you think? Have I blown my chances to have Tom play me in the movie they make about my blog? He would hate having to wear stilts while filming anyway) [will someone please remind me to take this last part out before I publish this...thanks]
Back to my prank. I don't know what came over me. I would like to say that I came up with that idea months ago and had been plotting and planning and waiting for April Fools day to roll in. But, much like my Master's thesis, I waited until the last minute to bang it out on the keyboard. I just woke up and thought, "Hey, I could write a fake blog for today." It almost made me late for work but it was totally worth it! (Wait, I was supposed to be apologizing...take it down a notch Jeff, take it down.) I really feel bad for everyone who fell for it hook, line, and sinker. And now I apologize to everyone who has no idea that "hook, line, and sinker" is a fishing term that means, literally, that you swallowed the whole thing. This must be the day for sorrys. Sorries? Sorry's? Suris? (again I apologize for not knowing which to use...man is this getting tedious!)
I would also like to apologize to Sylvia because I made reference to that sister wives show and said, jokingly, that I would only take two more wives for my reality show. You are my one and only Sylvia. I love you. And on the other side of that same apology, I need to say sorry to the rest of the female population of the Earth who very likely caught their breath and said, "Oh Crap! He's going to try to get two more wives? I hope he doesn't mean me!" Again, Mea Culpa.
Actually, it seems like most people "got it" for what it was. A joke blog. I didn't want to, at the end of yesterday's blog, say, "Happy April Fools Day!" That, to me, feels like someone who needs to say "the end" when they are done telling a story. If your story is good enough, you won't need to say that it has ended. (In my humble opinion) In my defense, I did say as the last line in the blog that I hoped everyone had a great April first! I suppose it's a phenomenon like another day in America. If you ask someone if they are doing something on July 4th they may ask, "Why? What's up?" But if you ask what they are doing on the Fourth Of July, they will know you are referencing that most important of holidays in America. The Sales of Cars and Appliances! (I'm worried about the future of our country)
And finally, I would like to say that I was "gotten" yesterday...dozens of times! Let's see, I had several spiders on my head, my shoelaces were untied, I had a spot on my shirt, and when I turned around to see who tapped me on the back, no one was there! More times than I can count! This is where I need to point out, again, that I teach kindergarten and this is the level of prank that you get. It comes with the job.
What also comes with the job is working with Lisa. That's right Lisa! I'm calling you out! Lisa handed me a cookie as I was walking out of a classroom where there was just a reward party for outstanding achievement. There were pizzas, drinks, and ice cream sandwiches. When I walked out, Lisa handed me an Oreo, out of an Oreo box. No problem right? Well I sucked it down like a dog gobbles anything that smells remotely like food. (as an aside, I have figured out where the remote went the day after we ate ribs while watching Jeopardy) Only later did Lisa call me and ask me how it was. When I said, "When did Oreo start making mint?" She told me that the center was toothpaste. Anyone know the number for poison control, or how about those guys you can hire to get back at people? Hah hah. Very funny Lisa. When you least expect it...you know the rest.
I'm not usually a big pranker. I don't want to make people feel bad. There is just something about April first that makes me want to do one prank. I usually try to make it at least believable and never with a mean spirit. I know people who would say that horrible, awful things had happened to them, car crash, hospitalized, getting a divorce, death in the family...things that would make reasonable, compassionate people feel terrible or moved to tears! Then, in the name of a joke, say, "April Fools!" and think that that's ok. I would never do that. But April Fools Day is a little different now than when I was single. All I had to do back then was talk to one of the women I worked with and tell them that I had "met someone" and was getting married. If I got married, back then, as often as I said on April Fools Day I would have my own reality show. Or my own prison jumpsuit!
The End
Playing with words is fun. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I do writing them!
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