Glub Glub Glub

I do not own a pool.  I have never owned a pool.  I will not be able to own a pool at this house.  I cannot afford to put a pool into our back yard.  There are power lines that run over the back yard that make it unsafe to install a pool.  I will probably never be a pool owner unless we win the lottery and move someplace else.  Furthermore, because Sylvia and I bought the house I grew up in, I know there has never been a pool at this address that couldn't be moved from one place to another, by a single person, in the back of the average sized station wagon.

Now any reasonably sane person would read any of the previous sentences and say, "I am 85 to 90% certain that the Garrett family does not own a pool at this time."  Apparently the people at the pool supply store in our fair city are not reasonably sane.  Ordinarily I would not be bothered by something as trivial as who thinks we own a pool but this is a special case.  (Who am I trying to kid, right? This is my blogging bread and butter!)  You see, we have been on the mailing list for Dingalingus Pool Supply (I am using an assumed name.  No free advertising.  You'll see why later)  for at least three decades and I think they are trying to drive me insane.  (I will pause here for everyone to mentally insert their "Short trip" or "Going back?" or finally, "Visiting relatives?" jokes.  ha haa...they don't count if you don't comment on the blog)  but I digress...

This company has been sending us what used to be a summer-monthly newsletter, advertising their store, attached to a multiple- paged multiple-colored catalog that explained all things pool as well as nifty pool related items and rubber ducks.  I remember getting this as a teenager and asking my parents, "ARE WE GETTING A POOL!!!!????"  (please refer to the first paragraph to find out the answer to that question you reasonably sane person, you)  Somehow we landed on a mailing list and there we were.  The pool-less pool supply customer.  Or so they thought.  Faithfully this very expensive catalog would show up and faithfully we would throw it away.  (It was the 70s...it was a crazy time full of waste and refuse and re-cycling was what I did when I broke my mini-bike *rimshot* someone remind me to take that pun out before I publish this)  This went on for years.  I am sure my mom called at some point to say, "We do not have a pool.  Please take us off your list."  It didn't help. 

I honestly forgot Old Man Dingalingus and his pool supply folly until we moved in about a dozen years ago.  I remember the first one that came to our house.  It was like the longest running joke in history had come home.  I showed it to Sylvia, recycled it, and went about my life...until the next month.  I decided that making me smile was not reason enough to continue to waste paper like this.  So I called.

"Umm, yes hello?  I live at this address and you know me as 'Current Resident' and I thought I would let you know that we don't have a pool and are not going to get one in the foreseeable future.  You can take us off your mailing list and save yourself some paper and postage.  Thanks."

He thanked me and I thought, chalk one up for lightening the mailman's load!  Until the next month...

"Yeah, Hi.  I called last month to let you people know that we don't have a pool.  We got another mailer.  I'd like to be taken off your list.  Thanks."

Again, I was hopeful that the last person had just misplaced my address, lost the note, was carried away by aliens in Zsa Zsa Gabor costumes...whatever.  I called twice.  Handled.  Until the next month...

"Yes, I hope you can help me.  I started out by trying to save you some money.  Now I am on a quest!  I want to be taken off your mailing list!  I cannot believe that you people have been in business this long with the lack of communication that appears to be running rampant over there.  Take me off the list.  That's all I want.  Take me off the list!"

And I never heard from them again...until the next summer.  Luckily, at this point, they seemed to be running out of money because we only got one catalog at the beginning of summer.  I actually set the catalog aside so I would remember to call and talk to someone a little higher up the chain of command.  When I finally got around to calling, the conversation went like this...remember I had almost a full year to calm down from the first round....

"Yes, hi, you are a manager?  Owner!  Great!  I know it's a silly thing but my family has been getting your catalog for years, decades really, and I am trying to save you a little money, we do not own a pool.  We don't even know anyone in our neighborhood who does own one.  This is a pool free zone and, unless you want to come install one for us, I would like to be taken off your mailing list. I have called several times before.  You are the owner.  I'm sure you can handle this for me.  I'm just trying to help you.  Thanks."

He assured me that he would take care of it and thanked me for helping him out.  Progress!  ...until the next year...  I wrote a letter.

"To whom it may concern,
I am not a mean person by nature.  I would never wish anyone bad luck.  I believe in live and let live.  But you people have driven me to the brink.  I have been asking for years for you to take me off of your mailing list to no avail.  Frankly, I cannot imagine how you manage to stay afloat (pun intended) with such a sloppy business model.  I have come to the conclusion that the only way for me to be taken off your mailing list is for there to be no store to mail it from.  Therefore, I have taken the position that anytime someone mentions that they own a pool I am going to say, "Please do not purchase anything from Dingalingus pool supply.  I am trying to make them go out of business because they refuse to take me off their darned mailing list."  If I see that you have, indeed, corrected this situation then I will, of course, not mention your store at all.  I give up.  I am throwing in the bath towel. 
Good luck in your new profession.
Jeff Garrett"

I got a letter back. 

"Dear Mr. Garrett."  (He was being exceptionally polite...as far as he knew, I was his best customer!)  "I am sorry for the inconvenience regarding our mailer.  Our mailing has been centralized via computer and there is no one person who is responsible for overseeing the general mailing list.  Unfortunately I think it would be nearly impossible for me to remove a single address from this computer database.  I appreciate your trying to help and I apologize for any future mailings that you will recieve.
Sincerely,
I. M. A. Dingalingus"

Thus is my burden.  Every year we get a catalog extolling the virtues of four cycle reverse osmosis anti bacterial pool pumps...and we still have no pool.  Every year I slip a little further into madness and I figure it is only a matter of time before I am an exact replica of the lunatic Chief Inspector in the original Pink Panther movies...Panthers can swim right?

By the way, we just got another catalog...he!  heee! hee! he! heee! he! heeeeee!