Never Fail Fudge!! (most of the time)

I realize that I am confusing my regular readers (both of you) but this is a recipe post that is really about fudge.  It is not about Fudge, the Wunderhund! Actually, Fudge (dog) really enjoys fudge (chocolate) and hunts it down whenever he can. But honestly, this is about fudge (chocolate).  I am entering a contest on the Pioneer Woman's site for best holiday recipes.  Wish me luck!

I need to explain that in writing this particular post, I have put myself into harm's way on several levels. First, there are the people who would like to hurt me for allowing my dog to have chocolate. I must explain. Sylvia and I don't "allow" Fudge to have chocolate ...we know it can hurt him...he just sniffs it out of the unlikeliest places. To this group of harm-wishers, I sincerely apologize. We will try to be more diligent in our hiding of our treats in the future. But I swear, if we ever put up a hidden camera we will catch him picking locks with his paws...maybe even using a stethoscope!

The next level of danger rests, again, on the dog's shoulders.  Do you realize how many people would like to get their hands on Fudge, the chocolate locating chocolate lab?!  "Yes officer, I was attacked from hehind.  They left the piles of cash, (Yeah right!  I'm a teacher...piles of cash, Hah!) and all of the valuables.  They did take our dog who can locate chocolate." 

With a little more work I could train him to find the nearest chocolate. (Entschuldigen Sie bitte.  Wo bist der Naechste Schokolade?... **excuse me please.  Where is the nearest chocolate.** the first phrase I taught myself when I was courting my wife.) I teach kindergarten at a school with primarily women teachers. I can't even count how often the subject of "finding" some chocolate has come up. Note to self...call the guide dog people about new breed...chocolate finders!

The final and most serious threat to my safety over telling this recipe comes from my mom. Her fudge is legendary! People travel from miles around to have a mere taste.  Death row prisoners have asked for her fudge as dessert in their last meals. Thirteen Baltic states use her fudge as currency. All right, I need to stop exaggerating. My daughter keeps saying, "stop exaggerating Daddy!" It's getting annoying. She tells me that a billion times a day!

Actually people love her fudge and they do ask for it. My mom did issue a warning about posting this. She said, "You'll have to have people watch over your shoulder as you make it or it they won't be able to make it."  As nice as I think you all are, I'm fairly certain Sylvia would be upset if there was a fudge academy going on in the kitchen while she was home-schooling the kids in the next room.  But I do have permission from my mom to put the recipe here on the internet. I suppose she could do it herself, but it's a little hard to access the internet via a rotary phone. I'm kidding, sort of. Yes to the rotary phone, but she recently bought a laptop so she could read my blog...she's so sweet. Which brings me back to the fudge.

Mom's warning aside, I dream about being paid to write...let me see if I'm up to the descriptive challenge involved in fudge finesse. You'll have to let me (and my mom) know how I did. I'll try to be semi-serious so you can have success...but I gotta tell you, even if it doesn't 'set', I'm eating it with a spoon.  The kids tease that I make one batch fail on purpose so we can't give it away.  (darned perceptive kids!)  I am a chocolate eating fool.  In fact I'll even eat white chocolate!...that used to be brown chocolate.

But I digress...

I also need to explain, before I write down the list of ingredients, that there is room for wiggling among most of the ingredients...except for one.  I'm not sure if I am supposed to mention brand names so using my keen vocabulary skills, plus your obvious intellect, I think we can work it out!  The ingredient in question is the marshmallow.  This particular marshmallow might be one that you would take if you were going to sit around a Camp Fire! (wink wink...get it?...I knew you were clever!)  But seriously, we (my mom and I) have tried with other brands and it just doesn't work.  If the Campfire people are so tickled with my endorsement that they send me a case of marshamllows...I'll have to tell you all about our favorite hopeful vacation spot in Hawaii, that we will fly to on United Airlines, and drive to the airport in a Mercedes.

Here goes:

60 large Campfire marshmallows (you have to count!  Not the whole bag!)
4 cups sugar
1 1/3 cups evaporated milk (again, not the whole can)

2 teaspoons vanilla
2 cubes butter
12 oz semi-sweet chocolate chips
2 cups chopped nuts (optional)

Look outside.  If it is raining, pour yourself a cup of coffee and go read http://www.klarkwgriswold.blogspot.com/ 

You cannot make fudge when it is raining or even very humid.  If you want to try, be my guest, just plan on eating it with a spoon.  If you figure out how to do it, however, I'd appreciate you letting me know.  Seriously.

Before you begin dress in long sleeves and have an oven mitt on (possibly both hands).
Set an electronic timer for 6' minutes 20" seconds but do not start it.  (wait a second...you can't set a timer with oven mitts on...timer first, then mitts)  If you like a little wetter fudge, 6' 10" if you want to chew it, 6' 30".
Line a 9 X 13 pan with aluminum foil.  This makes taking the fudge out, and cutting it, easier.  It also makes one less pan to wash and you can do another batch when this one is partially set.  (Come to think of it, timer, then foil, then mitts!...seriously, I've done this before)
In a large 10 quart soup pot place the eveporated milk, sugar, and marshmallows.  Start the burner on high!
Stir constantly!  Making fudge is not for wimps in the arm strength department. 
It will start to melt and grow in volume.  Continue stirring!  You should see the color darken slightly as it cooks.  Maybe little dark flecks will start appearing.  Don't worry! 
When it comes to a steady boil, start the timer and turn down the heat so it is a medium boil.  Keep stirring!  And watch out, boiling, bubbling marshmallows and sugar are vicious when they're angry. (aren't you glad I told you to wear long sleeves!)
When the timer goes off remove it from the heat.  Immediately add the butter, the vanilla (I like when it sizzles in the heated mixture), and the chips with the nuts.

Stir until it is all mixed together and you almost can't stand not being able to taste it!  Pour it into the aluminum lined pan and scrape out as much as you can out of the pot.  Resist the urge to sample it with your hands (just call me band-aid fingers).  It should set well enough to take the foil out in an hour or so.  I usually wait a few hours to cut it.  Enjoy!

Once you have cut it, and this is very important, write to me!  I will give you the P.O. Box where you should mail 10% of your fudge.  For quality control purposes only, I assure you.  I will not give it to my dog!

Thank you very much,
I've had fun writing this and I hope you've had fun reading this.  Now get out there and make some fudge!  (You can keep it all...promise.)

Jeff Garrett