Sylvia is watching a baby. Not in a "Ma'am would you please step over here away from the bushes, we would like to ask you some questions." kind of way. It's more of a "I don't know what I would do if you weren't taking care of our baby" kind of way.
A friend of the family and former teacher to our children, Jen, had a baby, Penny. Jen works here, she lives there, we live here, she'd rather have the baby here than there, Sylvia is taking care of the baby. Sylvia gets her 'baby fix', Jen gets to come visit at lunch if she wants to, the baby is doted on, it's a win-win-win. Of all the people involved in this scenario, however, Sylvia definitely has the best part of this deal! Penny is an absolute doll. She is such an easy-going baby. If I come from school before Penny goes home I am always greeted with a huge baby smile! I have to tell you, there are about a billion worse ways to be welcomed home, and not too many that are better. Of course poor Jen thinks, at this point, that this is the way all babies behave so when they decide to have another one she may be in for a shock. But that is not what I wanted to talk about today.
Today I wanted to talk about what happens when baby moves from "come on! you can roll over" to "my goodness you are quick! how did you get over there?" It happens quick, and we are mostly prepared!
When Sylvia and I were new parents we baby proofed the house. There were latches on all the cabinets, there was a lock for the stove, there was even a lock for the refrigerator. Over the years some of those locks came off, and with the kids being teenagers, we felt secure that they would not get into the pots and pans to play drums. Also, since Kristiana is becoming quite the budding chef, we are encouraging her to get into the pots and pans as much as she wants. We decided that since we live in earthquake country, we should just keep the locks on the cabinets unless there was a real reason to take them off. Or one could be taken off if it malfunctioned and then we just wouldn't replace it. As an aside, if you are ever desperate for a personal bag of Cheetos and you yank on the cabinet door rather quickly while forgetting that there is a child lock, that lock will break. (So we need to replace the lock on the Cheetos cabinet) Other than that, we are ready...I thought.
You see Jen, being a new mommy, has been targeted by the darkest forces known to mankind. The baby safety gadget consortium. This entity exists for the sole purpose of making new mommies feel inadequate if their baby is not protected from all manner of imaginary threats. They will make a mommy believe that you need to sterilize a pacifier that has dropped on the floor with their newest Steam-O-matic. Just fill with distilled water, insert pacifier, wait 15 minutes, and your pacifier is ready to be thrown on the floor again. Any mom of more than one baby knows that you can achieve pacifier sterilization by blowing the germs off (and in extreme cases putting it in your own mouth to wash it off).
Well this group is trying to wiggle their way into the safety of our house and it visited in a big way the other day. It all started when I came home from work and Penny was still here. I got my smile. I put my Scooby Doo lunch box away. (Just kidding...it's the Six Million Dollar Man lunch box) And then stood in the kitchen until someone rang the doorbell. I was the closest so I walked over to answer. I was met by the unholy creation that is the doorknob lock. Never-mind that Penny is only just beginning to crawl. Don't think about the fact that if she was able to stand she would still be 18 inches away from reaching the doorknob. It doesn't matter that even if she wanted to reach it, if she could, she wouldn't have the ability to turn it at all! Without the lock!! As it turns out, I wasn't able to turn the handle either.
I spent the next three minutes hollering through our heavy duty fire rated door. Explaining that I, Jeff Garrett, possessor of several college degrees and pickle jar opening championship medals was being thwarted by a baby-proof doorknob lock! It went something like this:
"Hang on!"
From the other side, "mummfff mmf" (obviously it was someone who had just come back from having oral surgery, and their mouth was full of cotton swabs)
"We have a new lock! I can't open it!!"
"Wammff waniff"
"I should just have to push and turn! Just a minute!!"
"Smmmff snanniff"
"All right I see what I have to do!! Any second now!! Dammit! Do you happen to have a chainsaw!?!"
"BRRRRZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!"
I eventually got the door opened but it took Jacob coming over to disassemble this modern day torture device. I imagine that these are the doorknobs that they have at the Hotel California. You know, "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave." Nothing? Using a song that is three decades old as a reference is not blog worthy...Oh well. Such is my life.
Unfortunately, Jake re-installed the knob. We are in day 12 of our exile. This may be the last you hear from us. Hope is fading. We are all weak from hunger since someone installed a new lock on the Cheetos cabinet. Farewell...from the inside.
A friend of the family and former teacher to our children, Jen, had a baby, Penny. Jen works here, she lives there, we live here, she'd rather have the baby here than there, Sylvia is taking care of the baby. Sylvia gets her 'baby fix', Jen gets to come visit at lunch if she wants to, the baby is doted on, it's a win-win-win. Of all the people involved in this scenario, however, Sylvia definitely has the best part of this deal! Penny is an absolute doll. She is such an easy-going baby. If I come from school before Penny goes home I am always greeted with a huge baby smile! I have to tell you, there are about a billion worse ways to be welcomed home, and not too many that are better. Of course poor Jen thinks, at this point, that this is the way all babies behave so when they decide to have another one she may be in for a shock. But that is not what I wanted to talk about today.
Today I wanted to talk about what happens when baby moves from "come on! you can roll over" to "my goodness you are quick! how did you get over there?" It happens quick, and we are mostly prepared!
When Sylvia and I were new parents we baby proofed the house. There were latches on all the cabinets, there was a lock for the stove, there was even a lock for the refrigerator. Over the years some of those locks came off, and with the kids being teenagers, we felt secure that they would not get into the pots and pans to play drums. Also, since Kristiana is becoming quite the budding chef, we are encouraging her to get into the pots and pans as much as she wants. We decided that since we live in earthquake country, we should just keep the locks on the cabinets unless there was a real reason to take them off. Or one could be taken off if it malfunctioned and then we just wouldn't replace it. As an aside, if you are ever desperate for a personal bag of Cheetos and you yank on the cabinet door rather quickly while forgetting that there is a child lock, that lock will break. (So we need to replace the lock on the Cheetos cabinet) Other than that, we are ready...I thought.
You see Jen, being a new mommy, has been targeted by the darkest forces known to mankind. The baby safety gadget consortium. This entity exists for the sole purpose of making new mommies feel inadequate if their baby is not protected from all manner of imaginary threats. They will make a mommy believe that you need to sterilize a pacifier that has dropped on the floor with their newest Steam-O-matic. Just fill with distilled water, insert pacifier, wait 15 minutes, and your pacifier is ready to be thrown on the floor again. Any mom of more than one baby knows that you can achieve pacifier sterilization by blowing the germs off (and in extreme cases putting it in your own mouth to wash it off).
Well this group is trying to wiggle their way into the safety of our house and it visited in a big way the other day. It all started when I came home from work and Penny was still here. I got my smile. I put my Scooby Doo lunch box away. (Just kidding...it's the Six Million Dollar Man lunch box) And then stood in the kitchen until someone rang the doorbell. I was the closest so I walked over to answer. I was met by the unholy creation that is the doorknob lock. Never-mind that Penny is only just beginning to crawl. Don't think about the fact that if she was able to stand she would still be 18 inches away from reaching the doorknob. It doesn't matter that even if she wanted to reach it, if she could, she wouldn't have the ability to turn it at all! Without the lock!! As it turns out, I wasn't able to turn the handle either.
I spent the next three minutes hollering through our heavy duty fire rated door. Explaining that I, Jeff Garrett, possessor of several college degrees and pickle jar opening championship medals was being thwarted by a baby-proof doorknob lock! It went something like this:
"Hang on!"
From the other side, "mummfff mmf" (obviously it was someone who had just come back from having oral surgery, and their mouth was full of cotton swabs)
"We have a new lock! I can't open it!!"
"Wammff waniff"
"I should just have to push and turn! Just a minute!!"
"Smmmff snanniff"
"All right I see what I have to do!! Any second now!! Dammit! Do you happen to have a chainsaw!?!"
"BRRRRZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!"
I eventually got the door opened but it took Jacob coming over to disassemble this modern day torture device. I imagine that these are the doorknobs that they have at the Hotel California. You know, "You can check out any time you like but you can never leave." Nothing? Using a song that is three decades old as a reference is not blog worthy...Oh well. Such is my life.
Unfortunately, Jake re-installed the knob. We are in day 12 of our exile. This may be the last you hear from us. Hope is fading. We are all weak from hunger since someone installed a new lock on the Cheetos cabinet. Farewell...from the inside.
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