Amid these troubled and uncertain times I have come to the realization that the dog must go. I understand that this will come as a shock to some of you but at this point, it's either him or me. Since I am the one who gets to get out of his warm bed to let him go to the bathroom, (at 4:30 in the morning...every morning!...including the first day of my Christmas vacation when I could be sleeping in!), I vote him! Add to that the fact that I have opposable thumbs and can open jars and am willing to squish spiders, and it ain't looking too good for the pooch.
Among the many benefits of being the proud owner of Fudge the Wonder Dog is his ability to keep you safe. Let's say there is a small appliance fire in your kitchen. Fudge could alert you, allow you to get your family to safety, and get your picture on the front page of the paper! Of course, in order for this to happen you would need to have an appliance fire and that certainly has it's drawbacks. Also, you would need to have that fire at precisely 4:24 A.M. in order to rouse him from his many dreams of chasing rabbits.
He could also protect your family from marauding hordes! He would definitely be who I choose to be by my side if I were ever to face a marauding horde. Of course, this would have to be a horde of mailmen in order to set off his protection instincts but given the high rate of disgruntlement in the U.S. Post office I would say that it's even money that the encroaching hordes would be carrying mail sacks. If, however, one of the mailmen is pushing a vacuum, you will surely die.
Fudge is a floor cleaner and food processor! I did an experiment the other day. We had a leftover yolk from a soft-boiled egg. I snuck down to the room that houses his food dish. I dropped it in from a height of four feet...splut...and as fast as lightning, Fudge came racing across the kitchen and 'Hoovered' that egg yolk with surgical precision! Of course I have never actually seen lightning "mosey" across a floor before. Actually, it was more of an amble. A stroll with a dash of lolligag? Well, the point is that Fudge heard the softest of sounds and reacted! Of course it was a food related sound. He doesn't always hear it when someone is trying to get him to go outside, move away from the door so we can leave, or get away from the sandwich on the table, but apparently his ears do work. In fact, they work so well that if anything hits the floor in the kitchen he comes along to investigate. And if he knows that it is a food item, and you are bending to pick it up, well then you'll see some speed. In addition to keeping food related items off the floor, Fudge has a unique ability to process the food as well.
I'm sure everyone knows about the ability dog's have to turn their little brown pellets of food into significantly larger pellets of, let's just say, ahem, non food. All dogs can do it. No big deal. Well Fudge and his magical belly can turn one stolen morsel of onion into a quart and a half of (descriptive and odoriferous explanation deleted). It would be a science experiment in the making if it wasn't so dangerous for the pup. I just wish he would stop and think, "last time I ate something that smelled like this I got sick. I will leave it alone." But alas, he is not known for his discerning palate.
So there you have it. One big brown alarm clock in the shape of a furry man's best friend. I suppose I should mention cost. The kids would be terribly upset if I let him go for the bargain basement price of mere millions...let's start the bidding at billions. Operators are standing by!
Among the many benefits of being the proud owner of Fudge the Wonder Dog is his ability to keep you safe. Let's say there is a small appliance fire in your kitchen. Fudge could alert you, allow you to get your family to safety, and get your picture on the front page of the paper! Of course, in order for this to happen you would need to have an appliance fire and that certainly has it's drawbacks. Also, you would need to have that fire at precisely 4:24 A.M. in order to rouse him from his many dreams of chasing rabbits.
He could also protect your family from marauding hordes! He would definitely be who I choose to be by my side if I were ever to face a marauding horde. Of course, this would have to be a horde of mailmen in order to set off his protection instincts but given the high rate of disgruntlement in the U.S. Post office I would say that it's even money that the encroaching hordes would be carrying mail sacks. If, however, one of the mailmen is pushing a vacuum, you will surely die.
Fudge is a floor cleaner and food processor! I did an experiment the other day. We had a leftover yolk from a soft-boiled egg. I snuck down to the room that houses his food dish. I dropped it in from a height of four feet...splut...and as fast as lightning, Fudge came racing across the kitchen and 'Hoovered' that egg yolk with surgical precision! Of course I have never actually seen lightning "mosey" across a floor before. Actually, it was more of an amble. A stroll with a dash of lolligag? Well, the point is that Fudge heard the softest of sounds and reacted! Of course it was a food related sound. He doesn't always hear it when someone is trying to get him to go outside, move away from the door so we can leave, or get away from the sandwich on the table, but apparently his ears do work. In fact, they work so well that if anything hits the floor in the kitchen he comes along to investigate. And if he knows that it is a food item, and you are bending to pick it up, well then you'll see some speed. In addition to keeping food related items off the floor, Fudge has a unique ability to process the food as well.
I'm sure everyone knows about the ability dog's have to turn their little brown pellets of food into significantly larger pellets of, let's just say, ahem, non food. All dogs can do it. No big deal. Well Fudge and his magical belly can turn one stolen morsel of onion into a quart and a half of (descriptive and odoriferous explanation deleted). It would be a science experiment in the making if it wasn't so dangerous for the pup. I just wish he would stop and think, "last time I ate something that smelled like this I got sick. I will leave it alone." But alas, he is not known for his discerning palate.
So there you have it. One big brown alarm clock in the shape of a furry man's best friend. I suppose I should mention cost. The kids would be terribly upset if I let him go for the bargain basement price of mere millions...let's start the bidding at billions. Operators are standing by!
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