Don't Eat That

This morning I want to let all three hundred fifteen thousand of my readers (that's a total lie...I'll explain in a second) in on a secret!  I have submitted a sampling of my blog to a couple of newspapers to see if this life-changing, Pulitzer prize winning, awe inspiring, writing might be something that they would be willing to print.  (all of the praise is a total lie too...I'm trying to sound important so they will pay me the big bucks)  That's right!  I expect to be rich and famous in a little over a month.  Feel free to say, "I knew him when."  I know what you are thinking..."But Jeff, you have given something away!  It is no longer a secret." (Don't worry.  It's a well known fact that newspaper editors don't read what's in the parentheses)  But I digress...

As part of my socially responsible new beginning into the hard-hitting world of journalism, I thought I would write about something that almost everyone encounters daily.  Some people are able to wait a day or so.  Some people wait a little longer and would have much better social lives if they encountered it a little more often.  That's right, I'm going to talk about shampoo.  I fall into the 'every day' category only because my hair is slightly thicker than the average pipe cleaner and I wake up looking like I am about to audition to be the lead singer in a Flock of Seagulls cover band.  Sylvia's normal morning greeting to me is, "Nice hair."  You get the idea.  I need to tame it daily with this magical follicle fixing elixir.

First, I need to talk about the name.  Interesting to say the least.  Say it with me.  Sham...poo...  I remember distinctly the conversation where I first learned about shampoo.  My brother, sister, and I were watching an old movie on TV.  I don't want to date myself but I had to get up and walk over to the 19 inch set that was in a three-foot wide wooden cabinet to turn it on.  After it warmed up we would watch whatever was on one of the eight channels.  And if one of us had to pee, we missed part of the show.  (I know kids.  The Horror!!)  Anyway, someone in the show was getting animated and upset about a desperate situation.  He finally yelled, "It's a sham I tell you!  It's all a sham!!"  So I turned to my mom and asked, "What's a sham?"  She said, "Well that means it's something fake."  (You with me?)  So I said, "So we wash our hair with fake poo?"  Everyone laughed and I stood raising my hands in a triumphant pose saying, "Thank you, thank you!  I'll be here all week.  Be sure to tip your waitresses.  Try the Salisbury steak." (that last part is a little fuzzy but I'm sure that's pretty close to what happened)

So now we know what the name means.  That brings me to what I really wanted to talk about today.  My shampoo.  I tend to look at the world around me with a slightly skewed perspective (my regular readers collectively said, "Ya Think!?")  So I am used to questioning why certain things are the way they are, deciding that only I would wonder that, and then moving on about my daily life of shaping young children's minds in the public school system.  Today, I could stand it no longer.  In the shower I reached for a new bottle of shampoo and happened to see the bragging comments toward the bottom of the label.  It said, "Sulfate Free."  Not sure what a sulfate is but I think they're bad.  Don't want those.  Check.  "Paraben Free" Never heard of that, but I'm always looking for new things to write on Words With Friends.  I'll take their word for it.  I don't want those.  Or that.  Or it.  As the case may be.  Check.

The next two things were a little more troubling.   It says, "Gluten Free."  Gluten free?  Really?  Isn't gluten taken internally by those who can handle it?  I've always thought of gluten as a synonym for bread or bread shaped molecules that you need an electron microscope to slice.  (I know, I would be kicked out of the health food store and the founder of Whole Foods just rolled over in his or her grave...if he or she is in fact dead)  If I weren't already lathering, rinsing, and repeating...the whole gluten free thing would have been a head scratcher to say the least.  As an aside, no matter how vehemently it is stated in the shampooing instructions, I would like to point out that the "repeat" is merely a suggestion.  Do not fall victim to this trap.  1986 and significant portions of 1987 are completely lost to me in what doctors termed an unfortunate L-R-R spiral.  The first step is admitting it to yourself.  But I digress...

And finally, and perhaps most troubling, my new bottle of shampoo proudly states,  "100% Vegan." Now come on!  Tofu?  Yes, I expect that to be vegan.  Carrot juice?  Of course.  Imitation Soy burgers with a cold steel rolled oat filler? Naturally!  Pun intended.  **See how clever I can be Mr. and Mrs. newspaper editor** (I would have put that last part in parentheses, but...you know)  The label didn't say anything about it being shampoo/dessert topping...I checked!  I had already assumed that most of my shampoos didn't have tiny bits of bread in them and I certainly didn't expect to see any animals mentioned on the label.  Imagine my surprise when I looked at a few bottles in the shampoo aisle in the supermarket.  Do you know what I found on most of the ingredient lists?!  That's right.  Chicken nuggets!  Who knew!?  I guess I'll have to be a little more careful when choosing my hair care products from now on. 

It did make me curious though about other hygiene items.  I don't want to accuse anybody, but Dove body wash?  I'm sure there's a reason it's named that. 

So now that I have written a hard-hitting expose and am on the verge of signing a contract with our local paper, I am wondering how I should introduce myself?  Newspaper columnist, award winning journalist, defendant in the Dove corporation libel suit, or sham-writer?  Only time will tell. 

*no animals were harmed during the writing of this blog*