Whoops! Splat!

Today I feel the deep and urgent need to address something that could save a life...my own.  My life has been in peril for some time and the attempts to bump me off have become increasingly frequent so I am going to take the opportunity to address all of the people who read this blog in an effort to change my fate.  I can only hope that when this is read by my regular readers (my wife and my mom...when she's not busy) they will take action and my life will be spared!

I am not talking about the twenty nine kindergartners in my class who bring several strains of influenza, bacteria, and other harmful elements into the classroom on a daily basis.  I am not going to speak about the fact that they feel the need to come mere inches from my face before they will say, "Mr. Garrett, I threw up this morning...COUGH!"  Nay!  I knew the risks when I signed up to teach.  I am writing this to my own kids.  Yes, my children, the ones I have raised from infancy, cared for, comforted, supported, coached, guided, helped, and loved...are trying to kill me.  At this point I need to point out, "Kids!  I do not have enough life insurance for you to retire on so you may want to wait until college is paid for."

This may seem crass and insensitive on my part but how else can you explain the layer of soap that they leave on the floor of the shower, daily.  Sometimes it is a carefully disguised patch off to one side.  Sometimes it is a thin film that covers the entire floor.  And most recently, they went for broke and just layered shampoo and body wash about a half an inch deep without even trying to conceal it.  On the mornings that I am not paying attention I step into the shower and end up looking like one of the robbers from the Home Alone movies slipping and grabbing and shuffling until I finally get my balance and start the residue cleanup process.  One of these days I will be flailing and grabbing and when I reach out to grab the shower nozzle, I will find that there are two bags of cement tied to them precariously balanced overhead.  Splat.

These shampoo attacks are an escalation from their ill-conceived initial attempts on my life.  Originally they were trying to eliminate me by using all of the shaving cream and hoping that I would slowly bleed to death...with hundreds of tiny little pieces of toilet paper dotting my face.

The shaving cream thing started out innocently enough. 
"Look Daddy!  I have a beard like Santa!" 
"Yes, Ha ha!  I see.  Very cute.  Ok, finish up so everyone else can use the shower."

Then they started going for the larger usage.
"Look Daddy!  I left a note for Mommy."
"Nice.  She'll like the heart with the arrow.  Please honey, it's been 15 minutes."

Then they went for the big guns...
"Look Daddy.  I recreated a life sized replica of the Venus De Milo.  It was going to be Michelangelo's David but I didn't think I had enough for the arms."
"Yes, that's nice.  Do you kids know where Mommy put the styptic pencil and the tourniquets!?"

I know what you are most likely saying.  Let the kids have a little fun!  What does it hurt?  It's cute!  Yes, yes, and yes...when they leave me a little so I can shave without needing a transfusion.  But when I am 90% of the way into my shower and I reach for what I thought was a full can of shaving cream and spray only speckles of tiny blobs of liquid with no foaming potential whatsoever, it gets a little frustrating.  I am beginning to wonder how hard it would be to apply for a grant to keep us supplied in art supplies.  I could make a sign..."Support the Arts!  Send Jeff's kids a Buck Fifty for a Can of Shaving Cream!"  How hard is it to set up PayPal?

As an aside, I have implied but will now tell you outright.  Yes, I do shave in the shower. I am trying to emulate my humor columnist, newspaper writing, role model, Ray Orrock.  He once wrote that his father-in-law suggested that he shave in the shower and it changed his life.  I do not think that shaving in the shower is the reason that Ray was given the opportunity to be a writer in our local newspaper, but I am taking no chances.  I also know, from his writing, that he loved his wife and his family very much.  I am going to do that too...even though some of them are trying to do me in.