Happy Birthday!

Once again I am not content to just sit, and write, and deliver a piece of fluff writing for my blog.  I have a deep need to go after the hard hitting issues of the day and take them head-on and wait for the chips to fall where they may.  Never pause to think about my safety, security, or the fact that it may be requested that I sleep on the couch, I go for it!  That's my style.  It's my burden to bear.

Today's topic: The Birthday Song and the heartbreak and devastation that it leaves in its wake.

I am going to assume that you all know the song.  I realize that I am becoming quite big in Malaysia as a writer (I am becoming quite big in America as an eater...but that's another topic) and the Malaysian peoples may not be familiar with the tune of our traditional song.  I choose not to include a sampling of it as a link for the sole reason that I think Michael Jackson's heirs might own the rights to it, and if I were to sing it I would owe them eleven cents.  That's one percent of my profits from the blog thus far.  I need to spend my money more wisely than that.  Is there a financial planner in the house?...but I digress.

The problem, as I see it, is that the song was designed with a major flaw and no set instructions for how to deal with said flaw.  As a result feelings have been hurt, relationships have been destroyed, and I have been ostracized among family and friends.  (ostRAcized is much better than osTERized...which is seen only in horrible movies about the mob...or Bobbie Flay) 

As I was saying, my main concern about the song is that it does not have a static set of lyrics!  Every time it gets sung the words change.  By Design!  And this is the point that I have an issue with.  It all has to do with syllabication (it's a word...I'm pretty sure).  When we get to the point in the song where the name is inserted I have one way of thinking and my family has another.  It makes for some tense moments but my way of thinking and singing that part is set deep down in my DNA.  I cannot change.  It doesn't make sense to change.  Let me explain (finally).

When we have finished with the two sets of "happy birthday to you" and move on to the name I mentally count the syllables in the name and adjust the song accordingly.  If, for instance, I was singing it to myself (yes, I am that desperate) I would sing, "happy birthday dear Jeh eff" and then close out the song.  We do the same thing for our son Jake and his one syllable name.  Lengthen it, and hope nobody sings out "Jay cob".   But if, like we are about to do this evening because it is my wonderful bride's birthday (hear that honey?  I called you wonderful.  Can I have the covers back now?) sing "happy birthday dear Syl vee uh" and shorten the amount of time spent on each note to make the song flow.  No problem right?  Stick with me.  And then comes my daughter.   We went ahead and threw caution to the wind.  We were young and foolish.  We named her a four syllable name.  So not only will we never find one of those mini license plates with her name on it at Yellowstone, we do not sing the song as a collective group. 

And I am not talking about the times when people have awkward birthday parties at work and invite several different groups to attend; coworkers, employers, employees, family.  Some know the celebrant as Mr. Caruthers, some as Robert, others still as Bob, his wife could be there and she calls him Sparky, and a small group of people may know him as Gladys (but that was on a business trip to Japan where he found out he was allergic to sake).  The resulting song ends up being rather sad instead of joyous.  "Happy Birthday dear/mr/car/rob/uth/spa/mmmmmummmm GLADYS!" (be honest, the most embarrasing name is always the loudest)  There are a few seconds of, "well that was interesting...did someone say there was cake?"  As bad as this is, it is always better than the collective restaurant sing-a-long.  Everyone loves to celebrate and join in when a table starts to sing to someone.  Usually the short-sighted diners join in and belt out the beginning lines at the top of their lungs...only to realize all too soon that they have no idea what to do when it comes to the name part.  "...Happy Birthday dear mummbemum Happy Birthday to you!!"  I always expect the birthday boy to stand up and shout, "Joe!  My Name is Joe!  Get it right people!" but he never does.

Now, when a name is so presumptuous as to be four syllables long, like my daughter's, it loses the ability to be picky during the singing of "Happy Birthday."  So as my family is singing to her, "happy birthday dear Kristiana" to try to squeeze it all in, I do the logical thing and omit the "dear" to save everyone a lot of strife.  "Happy Birthday Kris Tee On Uh!"  Of course that is when the strife begins.  I invariably get looks from the family.  Sylvia smacks me on the arm.  Kristiana says something about me not thinking that she is a "dear."  And the police are usually called. (it's a neighborhood thing)

I cannot help it.  I like flow.  It just makes sense to me that we need four syllables for that part of the song, her name is four syllables, run with it!  But no one else ever 'runs' and I end up stumbling over my perennial explanation about how the song should be sung in certain instances...but the nice officers never understand.

It is my contention that there should be an announcement made before the first note is sung.  "Attention!  Attention!  This is Francine!  I know some of you call her "Fran" or "Funni" but for the singing of this song we would like all of you to sing Francine.  Failure to do so will involve having your driver's license photo  blown up to poster size and held at the window of the Today Show during its next taping.  Thank you.  Let's begin."

Luckily, I do not have to think about that today as we celebrate Sylvia's birthday.  Dear + Sylvia = four syllables.  I am all set.  She is not allergic to sake and it is kind of cute when the kids sing "mo-om" when everyone else says Sylvia so I am in no real danger today.  I just hope that nobody starts to add "cha cha cha" after each line.  It could get ugly.  And I want Sylvia to have a nice time celebrating this birthday so...at the risk of owing my bones to the Michael Jackson estate (to be placed next to his collection of others) What? Too soon?

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!!
Happy Birthday Dear Sylvia!!!
Happy Birthday to You!!!!....and many more!....(Great! There's another whole can of worms)