You Do See That...Don't You?

I know this is getting a little tedious but this is another post related to my health.  cough cough.  It's my hope and prayer that I can get back to very important issues soon.  I mean, who else is covering the ridiculous signs in Safeway?  Who, other than me, has the determination to make up dialogue for the animals in our house?  Who, besides me, has ideas that involve inanimate objects having conversations?  What do you mean "thankfully, no one else"?  That is below the belt...and the pencil cup in front of me agrees! (the bobble head troll doll thinks you bring up a valid point)

So, yes, once again I am writing about my health.  It is not my favorite subject but at least I have news!  I just told a friend of mine (whose health concerns make me feel like I am a whiny brat who won't go down for his nap in comparison...praying for you Jeanie) that I feel like I'm in a cartoon with an inept mechanic who keeps throwing car parts to the floor and claiming, "Dis is not de problem.  Dis is not de problem!"  Except the car is me and the mechanics are select doctors in our health care system. 

I am not generally one to complain.  I like to live and let live.  BUUUT...when I tell my symptoms to the doctor, explain what I am experiencing and what I am definitely NOT experiencing, and then they give me medicine to take care of the symptoms that they have imagined I have (because I am not an expert in my own skin...I only lease with an option to buy)...well then I get a little testy.  Case in point.  I have already explained in "Back in the ER r r" (1 and B) that my problem is directly related to my esophagus.  If you already knew that, congratulations...you know more than some of the doctors I have been dealing with.  If you knew that the esophagus is NOT the throat OR the stomach, congratulations!  I'm calling you the next time this flares up!  Sylvia and I have been trying to explain to the doctors that my esophagus hurts and I cannot eat anything for going on two and a half weeks now (32 pounds off so far...I wouldn't recommend it as a diet though) and they proceed to give me things to numb my throat. 

"This doesn't go far enough down.  It still hurts!"
"Hmm."
"If I drink more will it work further down?"
"No."

"Doc.  I cannot handle it.  What can I do so I can eat?"
"Do you want to take this other medicine?  It coats."
"Coating sounds good!  YES!!"
At the pharmacy...after waiting (I kid you not) an hour and a half for a prescription that had been called in hours before.
"So this medicine will coat your stomach...Sir, please don't cry."

Those days were my lowest points.  Weight, emotion, and color wise.  One of my friends, who also happens to be a pastor at our church, came by to see how I was doing.  He actually said, "I would say you look about half as well as you did when I was here a few days ago." 
"Half as well?  I was planning on going to work tomorrow.  If I could just stay awake long enough to drive in by myself.  Also, if I could speak three words without a coughing fit, that would be nice too."  Apparently when you buy multi-cultural flesh tone colored crayons "gray" is not supposed to be one of the colors in the pack.  That, unfortunately, was my color this last weekend. 

And then a light at the end of a long and winding tunnel...Sylvia's mom made a secret family recipe of soup that night and I was able to eat the first thing, that almost required chewing, in two and a half weeks.  It helps that I love traditional German food, but I think it helped more that everything in this soup is designed to be slippery and it navigated my very swollen and very painful esophagus with relative ease.

Now speaking of the esophagus (I know, I know, I have spoken of nothing else for days...) I'm not sure I explained the results of the camera.  Normal is supposed to look like the inside of a pink garden hose.  Mine looked like a bright red collection of fingers all trying to touch each other in the center...and all of them with numerous pain receptors built in.  Presumably designed that way so if you ever leaned onto a hot stove with your esophagus you would feel the heat and move.  When the doctor went on his fantastic voyage to the center of Jeff, he decided to gather souvenirs!  He calls them "biopsies" but we all know that he has a collection of very odd looking snow globes on the shelves in his office! 

I finally heard from THE doctor yesterday afternoon.  I actually spoke to two doctors, my personal doc and the specialist who believes that there really is a part of the body named esophagus.  My doctor yelled at me for even thinking about going back to work (Sylvia was behind her in total agreement...but she restrained herself and didn't wag her finger at me).  The specialist finally gave me a diagnosis.  I nearly cried.  At this point in the process I told her that I wouldn't have cared if it was awful news, just tell me that I am not crazy.  I have a very painful inflammation due to a viral infection.  It's sort of like shingles, but on the inside.  It finally fit all of symptoms.  Better yet, there is a treatment.  It seems that it has been going on too long to attack it aggressively but the treatment may help.  The best news, I can stop taking EVERY OTHER medication that they have been prescribing over these two weeks.  I feel like tossing each one at the doctor's office shouting, "DIS IS NOT DE SOLUTION!!  DIS IS NOT DE SOLUTION!!"

The treatment is a long process of antiviral medications that need to be taken as evenly spaced as possible.  I have set the alarms on my phone!  I am going to do this right if it kills me!  (well maybe I should choose a different phrase there)  The thing is, when you have been through as many medications (and allergies) as I have in the past you start to actually read the information pages that come from the pharmacy.  You know, Take with plenty of water, Take with food, Do not take this on days that end in "Y"...the usual.  Well I had heard that antivirals were nothing to be trifled with so I went ahead and read the two pages of warnings that came with them.  Pretty standard stuff really.  I may be drowsy.  Check.  I shouldn't operate heavy machinery.  Checkeroo...(as an aside...does everyone realize just how heavy vacuums, dishwashers, and washers and dryers are?  I mean those are some heavy machines...just sayin)  I should take with food.  Well, I haven't eaten anything in about 3 weeks so...Oh wait, I can take it with milk.  OW, but check.  Oh what's this...May cause hallucinations.  Umm...  Seriously?  I have no experience with that.  Well I once saw a pair of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum characters walking hand in hand in the snow (complete with the propeller beanies) but that was after being awake for a very long time.  I just don't know what to do with this information.  Hallucinations?

Now everything I see will be suspect.  Is the TV telling me to buy stuff...even though it's not turned on?  hallucination.  Do I hear, "Be Our Guest" being sung quietly behind the kitchen cabinet doors?  hallucination.  Is the dog really reading the newspaper?  hallucination.  Did the kids really put their dishes into the dishwasher without being asked?  HALLUCINATION!!  I think the only way to be sure of anything is to go around poking people to see if they are really there.  It may get a little tedious but I have to be sure.  You may not want to come over to visit for a while.

So I am on the mend.  I am three doses into my newest, most promising (and troubling), medication.  I haven't taken my esophagus out for a test swallow yet, but I plan to eat something a little more substantial than soup or Ensure soon.  And I think that I have turned a corner for the better.  Sylvia thinks that I am a much better color and I may be able to go back to work as early as Monday.  I think things are looking up!  If you don't trust me, ask the six foot stalk of celery who has been helping me write this...ignore the sombrero (that's a hallucination!)